Woke up at 8:20am today without alarm. That was a rare case. Outside was colder than weeks ago. I supposed the winter is on the way.
Experienced a few sleepless nights. I could see a few stupid pimples started to pop out in the mirror. Looked at myself in the mirror. Felt hard to smile since few days ago. Ick. My mind wondered somewhere else when I was brushing my teeth. Still, looking into the mirror...saw myself in my own room.
In a room and moments with my ownself, just myself. No disturbance, no phone calls and no people calling my names. Peaceful. Knock, Knock! Esther! arrghh...Just 15 minutes of having some private and peaceful time with myself. My name is called and I need to start working.....
Instructed to research for something on the net. As usual, I checked my mails, logged into the Friendster, logged into MSN and Yahoo. Realised that I was waiting for someone. I was actually expecting for someone! How could this be? It happened since few weeks ago. I checked my cell phone more often nowadays.
Guess something is not right happening to me. I have not been dull as today before. This week sucks! My feelings started to be more complicated. I could not concentrate on my work even how hard I have tried. I was thinking! Thinking about something that I should not... Hell no..I should not let this carry me away.
Life for me this week has become a boredom. Am not as cheerful as I used to be. The thing that I am most afraid of seems to happen to me now. Ick. It is hard for me to condone what is happening to myself. Now, I am anxious, afraid, emotional, moody and getting impatient too.
Everything seems not right to me. It is been a long time since I had this kind of awful feelings. It was 2 years back. This is really freak me out. I am now very worry about myself. I am afraid of my own feelings. Stupid.
I shall wake up sooner or later but I do not know how long it will take me this time. I cried the second time this year, that was an awful event in my life. I broke my own promise. I was not that responsible for myself.
I will go through it. Time will tell. Soon.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
In a disguise of busyness
Laughs. Jokes. Cries. Talks. Smiles. Happy. Sad. Depressed.
Today is a warm day. I am looking out of the windows. I was thinking. Looking at the blooming flowers, nice and beautiful. Smiling away. I have been thinking a lot these days. Looking at my windows. My days are not blooming as I want them to be. It is becoming more complicated these days. haha..Maybe I complicated it...
Tired. Came back from a trip from Europe. Jet lagged, woke up in the middle of the night, feeling hungry. After the trip, I think even harder. Stupid me. Still struggling whether my decision was right.
I have been away from my dear families, friends, cousins for the past 6 months. Maybe that was the reason why I am feeling this way. I am living in a different world now. Alone by myself. Disconnected from my entertainments. I am in a world of my ownself. All about work only here. Sounds so boring. Yes, it is boring for the past 6 months! Of course, I managed to think positive though. This is my decision and I have to live with it no matter what the consequences are.
I was thinking that I could hide myself behind all the busyness. Thought that by being busy and full concentration in my work will make me forget everything. Recently, I realised that I have been neglecting myself. I actually disconnecting myself with everything, obviously. I always care about work and what to do the next. Think I need a vacation seriously. I need a serious rescue here! haha...
By being busy, I can hide myself from others, what a genius, ME! hehe...Guess I can hide no more because everyone has been looking out for me. I was just too committed and have been carrying my responsibilities to wherever I go. Just think and worry too much!
Above all, I think I am just feeling lonely here and today is a bad hair day for me, I guess. ;)
Today is a warm day. I am looking out of the windows. I was thinking. Looking at the blooming flowers, nice and beautiful. Smiling away. I have been thinking a lot these days. Looking at my windows. My days are not blooming as I want them to be. It is becoming more complicated these days. haha..Maybe I complicated it...
Tired. Came back from a trip from Europe. Jet lagged, woke up in the middle of the night, feeling hungry. After the trip, I think even harder. Stupid me. Still struggling whether my decision was right.
I have been away from my dear families, friends, cousins for the past 6 months. Maybe that was the reason why I am feeling this way. I am living in a different world now. Alone by myself. Disconnected from my entertainments. I am in a world of my ownself. All about work only here. Sounds so boring. Yes, it is boring for the past 6 months! Of course, I managed to think positive though. This is my decision and I have to live with it no matter what the consequences are.
I was thinking that I could hide myself behind all the busyness. Thought that by being busy and full concentration in my work will make me forget everything. Recently, I realised that I have been neglecting myself. I actually disconnecting myself with everything, obviously. I always care about work and what to do the next. Think I need a vacation seriously. I need a serious rescue here! haha...
By being busy, I can hide myself from others, what a genius, ME! hehe...Guess I can hide no more because everyone has been looking out for me. I was just too committed and have been carrying my responsibilities to wherever I go. Just think and worry too much!
Above all, I think I am just feeling lonely here and today is a bad hair day for me, I guess. ;)
Change is the Law of Life
Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward....
This reminds me of my past. In the past, I was an introvert, quiet and negative person. I am a pessimist. The good old Esther has gone away.
Time passed. People grow up. Mind changed. I have been thinking. Thinking about myself. There was so much changes. Self-realisation. All these changes...Gosh! I suddenly realised that my times passed like nobody's business. I am turning 29 years old this year. Darn...what have I learned? A lot. really, a lot. Through pain - most of them.
I've met many friends all these years. I've become a more open-minded person. I realised that many friends are actually respect and listen to me. I'm respected. Truly appreciate my friends. Totally different from years ago. I guessed I've become a better ME! I'm truly grateful to realise this.
Wiser. I've become a wiser lady too. Not believing so much of other say. Thinker. I'm a thinker now too. Reading lots of stuffs. Reading others' characters have been a practice to me. Trying to understanding people.
Days ago, my God-brother called me. To find out how's things with me here. Of course, asking me to buy some stuffs for his son. We talked a while. Updating him about myself and talked about Life. He paused a moment and told me, "Esther, I need to tell you something. You've really grown up. You're more matured now" The thought of a little girl - Esther came to my mind. She was so afraid to point out her opinions those days. Afraid to talk openly. Afraid to dance in front of people. He never listened to me except scold me all the times for what I've done in the past. But, hey man..now, he listened to me! I'm really happy and almost in tears, when he told me. I'm respected by him. That's important to me.
I'm happy because I'm well-appreciated and respected now by almost everyone I know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This reminds me of my past. In the past, I was an introvert, quiet and negative person. I am a pessimist. The good old Esther has gone away.
Time passed. People grow up. Mind changed. I have been thinking. Thinking about myself. There was so much changes. Self-realisation. All these changes...Gosh! I suddenly realised that my times passed like nobody's business. I am turning 29 years old this year. Darn...what have I learned? A lot. really, a lot. Through pain - most of them.
I've met many friends all these years. I've become a more open-minded person. I realised that many friends are actually respect and listen to me. I'm respected. Truly appreciate my friends. Totally different from years ago. I guessed I've become a better ME! I'm truly grateful to realise this.
Wiser. I've become a wiser lady too. Not believing so much of other say. Thinker. I'm a thinker now too. Reading lots of stuffs. Reading others' characters have been a practice to me. Trying to understanding people.
Days ago, my God-brother called me. To find out how's things with me here. Of course, asking me to buy some stuffs for his son. We talked a while. Updating him about myself and talked about Life. He paused a moment and told me, "Esther, I need to tell you something. You've really grown up. You're more matured now" The thought of a little girl - Esther came to my mind. She was so afraid to point out her opinions those days. Afraid to talk openly. Afraid to dance in front of people. He never listened to me except scold me all the times for what I've done in the past. But, hey man..now, he listened to me! I'm really happy and almost in tears, when he told me. I'm respected by him. That's important to me.
I'm happy because I'm well-appreciated and respected now by almost everyone I know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
the Ugly sides of the rich.....
everyday is a same day to me...I missed out so many things in my life. my life is only about work, work, work. I'm really tired of working nowadays... What's my LIFE about? after reading others blogs...i've been thinking...arrrghhh...my life sucks!
however, sometimes, i still manage to smile and laugh around...it's because i don't want people around me to feel me. looking at others, i envy the life that people have. times that they have. friends and families that they have. life is not about selfish....but, what's good about selfishless? what's good about it? do we really need to be selfishless to help others?
is Life really about making more money and leading a wealthy and luxurious life? what's the quality of life about then? or Life is just about growing up, good education, career, get married, raise up kids and wait for the time?
i realised that some rich people are so mad about chasing their glorious materials in this world till they've forgotten the real purpose of being here. what's the purpose of being here? these people are so excited about their assests, money, business, etc. and they've neglected their health, kids and families. so, what do they do with the money? to invest again into their health...i've seen all these so many times. it's just like the law of cause and effect, exactly. when they finally slow down and wanna spend times with their kids...they're no more, because they've grown up and have their own life. in addition, they're trained that way...
as life is simple...why complicate it? why would one bother about petty things like...oh i need to diet, lose weight...oh...the food is cold...oh the food is not salty...not delicious...why? if it's not delicious, don't eat it. if you're fat, exercise. some rich people love all those luxurious brands which they claimed it as a rich's trademark....Escada bag...Ferragamo...half a million watch, diamonds, chopards,etc....and yet, they're still complaining. why do we always complain about something? shouldn't we be thankful and start counting our blessings? i just don't understand what exactly these people want in their life. it seems that their life is not perfect....i think they have everything and they're so fortunate to have money, but, why the hell are they still complaining? not mentioning about those who's so keen to amend their faces - going for plastic surgery...complaining that they don't look good enough! sigh....
well, i'm glad that i've forseen all these...so that it would never happened to me...thanks God for opening my eyes to the realistic and materialistic world....
however, sometimes, i still manage to smile and laugh around...it's because i don't want people around me to feel me. looking at others, i envy the life that people have. times that they have. friends and families that they have. life is not about selfish....but, what's good about selfishless? what's good about it? do we really need to be selfishless to help others?
is Life really about making more money and leading a wealthy and luxurious life? what's the quality of life about then? or Life is just about growing up, good education, career, get married, raise up kids and wait for the time?
i realised that some rich people are so mad about chasing their glorious materials in this world till they've forgotten the real purpose of being here. what's the purpose of being here? these people are so excited about their assests, money, business, etc. and they've neglected their health, kids and families. so, what do they do with the money? to invest again into their health...i've seen all these so many times. it's just like the law of cause and effect, exactly. when they finally slow down and wanna spend times with their kids...they're no more, because they've grown up and have their own life. in addition, they're trained that way...
as life is simple...why complicate it? why would one bother about petty things like...oh i need to diet, lose weight...oh...the food is cold...oh the food is not salty...not delicious...why? if it's not delicious, don't eat it. if you're fat, exercise. some rich people love all those luxurious brands which they claimed it as a rich's trademark....Escada bag...Ferragamo...half a million watch, diamonds, chopards,etc....and yet, they're still complaining. why do we always complain about something? shouldn't we be thankful and start counting our blessings? i just don't understand what exactly these people want in their life. it seems that their life is not perfect....i think they have everything and they're so fortunate to have money, but, why the hell are they still complaining? not mentioning about those who's so keen to amend their faces - going for plastic surgery...complaining that they don't look good enough! sigh....
well, i'm glad that i've forseen all these...so that it would never happened to me...thanks God for opening my eyes to the realistic and materialistic world....
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