Complicated Life, Feelings and People.....

Woke up at 8:20am today without alarm. That was a rare case. Outside was colder than weeks ago. I supposed the winter is on the way.

Experienced a few sleepless nights. I could see a few stupid pimples started to pop out in the mirror. Looked at myself in the mirror. Felt hard to smile since few days ago. Ick. My mind wondered somewhere else when I was brushing my teeth. Still, looking into the mirror...saw myself in my own room.

In a room and moments with my ownself, just myself. No disturbance, no phone calls and no people calling my names. Peaceful. Knock, Knock! Esther! arrghh...Just 15 minutes of having some private and peaceful time with myself. My name is called and I need to start working.....

Instructed to research for something on the net. As usual, I checked my mails, logged into the Friendster, logged into MSN and Yahoo. Realised that I was waiting for someone. I was actually expecting for someone! How could this be? It happened since few weeks ago. I checked my cell phone more often nowadays.

Guess something is not right happening to me. I have not been dull as today before. This week sucks! My feelings started to be more complicated. I could not concentrate on my work even how hard I have tried. I was thinking! Thinking about something that I should not... Hell no..I should not let this carry me away.

Life for me this week has become a boredom. Am not as cheerful as I used to be. The thing that I am most afraid of seems to happen to me now. Ick. It is hard for me to condone what is happening to myself. Now, I am anxious, afraid, emotional, moody and getting impatient too.

Everything seems not right to me. It is been a long time since I had this kind of awful feelings. It was 2 years back. This is really freak me out. I am now very worry about myself. I am afraid of my own feelings. Stupid.

I shall wake up sooner or later but I do not know how long it will take me this time. I cried the second time this year, that was an awful event in my life. I broke my own promise. I was not that responsible for myself.

I will go through it. Time will tell. Soon.